Too many years Ive gave power to words from others. Ive carried those words with me in my heart and compared myself to others just trying to be a better me. In the end Ive always felt Ive fallen short.
When I got diagnosed with Arnold-Chiari Malformation and a brain stem tumor in Feb 2010 I was at a place in my life that I felt good about myself FINALLY! Physically I was feeliing pretty rough but I had a great job, and I turned heads for the first time in my life and IT FELT GOOD!
Now for those of you who dont know my back ground...I spent many years weighing 300+ pounds.
This picture was taken was taken Dec 25th 2005.
I was diagnosed with severe spinal arthritus in 1996 and was having to use a can to walk. I was working as a CNA at the time but could no longer do the heavy lifting the job required. At that time my doctor tried to get me to sign up on disability but I refused and choose to go back to school. I choose to go into the computer field thinkin that surely would be something that I could do in my condition. I was promised job placement upon graduation...I was offered two jobs...one in Atlanta,GA and one in Nashville,TN. I lived in Crossville, TN and had four small girls at the time. There was no way I was going to relocate to a big city where we knew no one so I passed on the jobs and never did find a job to use my skills with here in my town.I refused to give up and sign up for disability and kept looking for work that I could do.
My girls and I had a rough go of things but we managed and I believe to this day its what has made us so strong. I never gave up on being healthy and I never said,"I cant make it" We held together and we survived!
My condition worsened and in 2005 the surgery on my back that I had put off for years I accepted because I could no longer stand the pain. Upon a new MRI of my back I was told the arthritus was too far gone and nothing could be done for me. The surgery that had been offered to me for years that I was so scared would put me in a wheel chair was no longer an option. Now it was a reality...I would be in a wheel chair within a year.
I knew my weight aggravated my condition but I had been in no condition for years to exercise. I discussed gastic by-pass with my doctor and he said it would be my only hope to keep me out of a wheel chair. I was terrified to have the surgery done because its extermely risky but I wanted to feel alive again not just take up space in this world. I wanted to live a long life with my family.
I had the surgery on Dec 27th 2005, thats right exactly 2 days after the above picture was taken and Ive lost over 150lbs. It was a rough process to go through physically and emotionally. I was sick alot but the weight came off. Finally I physically started feeling a little better every day and I started to smile at the results of the risk I had taken in having the surgery.The pain in my back got less intense as the pounds came off. I'll always have back issues as there is no cure for arthritus BUT the pain is ok now.
I was doing great until my Chiari symptoms started showing themselves. Now my life is in a whirlwind again! However...I know that I will come back from this crisis too. God has healed me of the brain stem tumor THANK YOU GOD!!!!! and I know he walks with me daily. There is nothing I cannot accomplish through the power of God!
God has enlightened me on alot of things about myself through this illness...for instance...all those years of having a certain man in my life who use to put me down over not lookin good enough have affected me to my core. Ive got to let that go. Its funny, but I think Im prettier than him now *lolololo
Ive learned that some times a realationship that has no communication is the worst kind of relationhip of them all. Along with that though, it has taught me that some times its better to be alone than to have someone lie to your face or not talk to you at all when you need them the most.
Ive learned that this mole under my left eye that in most of my pictures I airbrush away is a beautiful thing...you know why?... it came from my daddy, Dudley
The lines on my face have came from time on this earth and Im thankful for every line and every day that Ive spent here with my precious family.
Ive learned that my stubborn streak and my unwillingness to give up in life has came from the most wonderful and precious woman in the world...my momma Bonnie
Most of all Ive learned that when Ive wanted to give up I have unstoppable strength that I call upon. A never ending supply that will always be there courtesy of my girls & g-babies...Amanda, Latisha, Dana, Kate, Chelsea, CJ, Jade, Karly, Lacey, Hayden, Sammy, Annie, Blaze, Austin, Lillie, Sydney
Yea, Ive learned alot in 42yrs but the biggest lesson of all has been that GOD & FAMILY is all that really matters in this life. Not hiding the wrinkles on my face or maybe the extra pound I might have gained.
Love your God,your family & yourself people...that's what makes the world go round :)
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